Tommystorm

Thank you for calling Tommy’s Psychiatric Hotline.  Our menu options have changed, so please listen carefully to the following options:

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly
• If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3 4 5 and 6
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.
• If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to another ship
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully to the small voice in your head who will tell you which button to press, so please press it, though it doesn’t matter which button you press, because no one will answer you.
• If you are dyslexic press 6969696969.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until you hear the beep.  After the beep, please wait for the beep.
• If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later
• If you are suffering from low self-esteem, please hang up now because all of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Please press zero to listen to these options again.

Goodbye.